Tekken 5

Tekken is one of those games that is regarded as a “classic” but to be honest it depends on your feelings on fighters. I don’t know how I feel on the whole fighter thing, because if it’s done well then I can get in to it like an octopus can get in to a Japanese girl. However if they are done like the most resent mortal combat games then I’d rather eat a dick.

Tekken 5 follows the “king of iron fist 5” because it won’t let you fucking forget that. Over all there are 30 characters and a random character select you have to fucking unlock. Actually that is one of the things that pissed me off, yeah have about a third of the characters unlockable but don’t fucking make me thing I’ve unlocked a guy then say no this is just so you can play random character instead of playing that character that is basically random character because it has the move set of a random character. Ok rant over.

Let’s talk about the controls. It doesn’t use the analogue stick so by the end of a good session it’s going to feel like you’ve just joined a cult of people who shove there thumbs up hobbits arseholes. Seriously my thumbs still kill. But other than that the controls are intuitive up is jump left and right do exactly that and down does a thing. No seriously sometimes it dodges sometimes it just doesn’t I still haven’t figured it out.

Before I go along I need to recount a glitch and the only one in the game after hours and hours. As king you can do a pushing kick type move that is easily blocked but while I was doing this move my opponent fell against a breakable pillar but instead of the pillar breaking my opponent fell in to the object and became untouchable for the rest of the round.

 The main story mode is basically a series of 9 fights where fight 4, 7 and sometimes 9 trigger a unique cut scene based on the characters story as dictated at the beginning. It feels that the writers had a lot of fun with this one and seemed to write gold followed by banging their heads on the keyboard. But honestly take it from a guy with no social life who has played as all the characters, the majority of the stories are fun and quirky when there not trying to be all emo and Japanese. If you give it a go I would at least play it as Martial Law.

Each of the arenas seem so fucking disjointed, ooh look I’m in a church, now a field at night, now what the fuck I’m in a volcano or something what the fuck is going on. I got to one point where I realised I was on a pirate ship, a fucking European pirate ship in the middle of all this Japanesness it was just so out of place.

One thing I’ve neglected to say is that the start-up screen is the first level of one of those old 3D cabinet space shooters and I thought it was, that is until I realise it’s about as repetitive as man with a bad short term memory and a stammer reading from the bible, and like said man I can’t help but humour it every time I see it.

There was also this game within it called “the devil within” or something where you play as Jin and fight through waves of generic ninja-esk and JACK’s it’s not a big selling point and the option for this mode is even below practice mode. It’s good to see a game developer try to make a mode and fail but still be like “may as well put it in but it’s not great.”  This mode is not awful I mean it’s playable I spent a good hour on it before wanting to punch myself in the cock. If you play it you will understand.

It annoys me when people say the phase “you have to look at the game for its time.” To those people I say “you’re looking at your arse in the context of you being a dick.” But I feel this game is good even by nowadays standard and even the graphics aren’t something to sneeze at. So in all honesty I would give it a good look at even if you’re not a fan of the genre.